All That I Am And All That I Ever Was
by Synnerxx
Summary: Everything was drenched in the silvery light of the full moon.


**Pairing: Jay/Spinner**

**Warnings: Slash**

**Prompt: The full moon at story_lottery**

**Author's Notes: Introspective!Jay. Kind of rambling though. Review, dolls! Title is from the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.**

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The silvery light that spilled into the open window from the full moon outside puddled on the skin of the couple laying in bed with each other. It covered them like the sheets twisted around them did. The steady rise and fall of their chests were in perfect sync. The light almost seemed the caress them like a third lover, embrace sweet and gentle.

The stars shined brightly in the sky like chipped diamonds. They surrounded the moon and watched over the lovers in bed with it. Their sleep was peaceful and deep, wrapped up in the silver web.

One of the figures stretched sleepily and blinked his eyes open. He squinted briefly into the light of the moon, then glanced at the clock. It was still late, or early, depending on your view of the world. He sighed and shifted so his hand was resting lightly on the other's hip, fingers stroking it lightly.

Jay studied Spinner in the soft light. The moon cast an almost celestial glow on Spinner. It made his skin seem paler than it really was and made him look fragile and breakable. It brought out Jay's fierce protective side like nothing else and no one else could. Not even Manny and he had been engaged to her.

To be completely and totally honest to himself, and that was something that Jay tried to do, who cared if he lied to other people, but he never lied to himself. Okay, well, a few times, but he really tried not too, anyway to be honest, the intensity of his feelings for Spinner scared him.

Breathless, wild, daring, loved, but most of all, free. That wasn't something he had expected to feel, but there it was, bolded red letters across his emotional being. It was unexpected, but pleasant. Still, that fear was there, lurking in the back of his mind. He really didn't know what it was about. There was no fear of commitment with them, none of that trapped, smothered feeling he sometimes got when relationships, real ones, lasted too long.

Maybe it was because he had never felt this way before that the fear had settled into the back of his mind, whispering secrets that were painful to hear and face. Ones like Spinner was too good for him, that he was going to screw up and Spinner would walk away, never to return. Spinner could do better than him, had done better than him in the past. Darcy, Paige, Jane. All better than him.

The passion overrode the fear most of the time. Another thing he had never felt with anyone else. Sheer unadulterated passion in the arms of someone he loved and trusted. His want and need of another human being was scary. He longed for Spinner when he wasn't with him. More so than he ever had for anyone else. He was sure that only Spinner could invoke these feelings and emotions and urges in him.

Spinner had a quality about him that just seemed to draw people to him, like moths to flames. He was irrestible, but Jay was not one to resist anything anyway. Which, looking back on it, could have been his downfall, thankfully it had been the greatest thing he had ever done in his life. Though it wasn't like he went around doing good deeds anyway, so he wondered what impact that had on his life.

Spinner really was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He wasn't just saying that, it was cliched, but true and he honestly meant it. They weren't just words on a page or spoken, hanging in the air between them. He had never meant anything more in his life than when he said 'I love you' to Spinner.

Nothing made him happier than when Spinner said them back. Though he never said 'I love you too', it was just 'I love you' always. He said 'I love you too' sounded like a half-hearted echo of what the other person had said and he didn't like it. Hearing those words slip out of Spinner's mouth with such ease and meaning was better than any drug on the planet. Any alcohol too. That was the best high in the world. There was nothing that could even come close to matching it.

Jay sighed softly, kissing Spinner's lips gently, and settled back down against the pillows, tugging the blankets more tightly around them. The night had cooled the sweat on his skin and he was cold. He curled up against Spinner, drawing him into his arms. The warmth seeped into him, chasing away the fear and cold.

Jay used to think that the moon was just a huge, cold rock floating around the earth, but tonight, looking at the full moon as it's light washed over them, he thought it looked rather mystical and full of wonder. He briefly considered waking Spinner up to see it with him, then decided against it because Spinner had to be in early at The Dot. He stared at the moon and hugged Spinner' sleeping form closer to him, savoring the beauty of each.

The moon had never looked so big or bright to Jay before, not that he ever really noticed it. It was a breath-taking sight, one he really enjoyed. The contemplation of his feelings for Spinner had left him content and more in love than ever, if that was even possible.

Life truly is filled with wonder. He would have never believed you if you had told him years ago that he would fall in love with Spinner and stay with him this long and feel so strongly about him. He probably would have called you an idiot and punched you in the face.

These days, he was a little more willing to believe in things and take them for what they are. Like the full moon for example.

He slowly drifted off to sleep, dreams drenched in silver light from an open window.


End file.
